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Marriage
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barbara



Joined: 07 Dec 2002
Posts: 181
Location: Kalamazoo, Michigan

PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2003 5:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was married 21 1/2 years and I think of it as a success...I have 3 great kids. Most people don't make it 10 years let alone 21.
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KatieSandstrom



Joined: 07 Dec 2002
Posts: 152
Location: North Pole, Alaska

PostPosted: Wed Aug 27, 2003 5:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Too many people make the mistake of marrying the wrong person.
They have children together and are then 'stuck' with each other.

You can make anything work, with or without that little piece of paper...the good ol certificate of marriage.

People keep asking me if I'll ever get remarried... I dunno.

I'm still enjoying the life I have now. Why do I need to rush into a new relationship?
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barbara



Joined: 07 Dec 2002
Posts: 181
Location: Kalamazoo, Michigan

PostPosted: Wed Aug 27, 2003 5:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Marriage like everything else, takes work, from both parties. A little piece of paper means nothing--I know alot of people together many many years, and they are not married. Thank God, women don't have to be married these days.
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DonnaKnowles



Joined: 23 Nov 2003
Posts: 58
Location: Milton, Ontario, Canada

PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2004 5:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We waited for 5 years before even thinking of having kids. Those first 5 years we had a good time by travelling alot and doing alot of neat stuff. "Not to say we can't do that now" just a little less. Okay alot less.

The most important thing in a relationship is communication, respect for one anothers opinion and being with each other. The rest is like bonus on the cake.
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wurmduke



Joined: 29 May 2004
Posts: 11
Location: Fayetteville, NC (Iraq)

PostPosted: Sat May 29, 2004 6:47 pm    Post subject: Whoa, wait a minute!!! Reply with quote

What the hell is going on here? I am beginning to doubt my human characteristics! Am I to believe that I am the only one here that still believes that it is possible for that amount of commitment, trust and bonding to exist? What? Who? Come on folks! You gotta help me with this! I'm married. -been married for 4 years, it's even better than when we first were together (dating included). I don't bother myself with the "found the right one" questions. It wasn't "was I affraid" it was, "damn I can't wait."
We have to believe that it's special. We have to believe that it's forever and we gotta believe in love. If not, why are we waisting our time? Come on guys, don't let me down. Love exists!

Oh, and there are two new elements on the Periodic Table!
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lynx



Joined: 22 Jul 2003
Posts: 60
Location: Sydney, Australia

PostPosted: Sun May 30, 2004 6:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I'll give you a bit of a hand here. I've been married for 12 years this month. We have 2 beautiful kids. There was never a thought between either of us that it wouldn't last. Although, both families thought otherwise.
We don't consider ourselves to be 'stuck' together. I'll admit there have been 2 times in 13 years that I have thought 'i've had enough' but things always work themselves out with us.
My grandparents were married for 69 years, until my grandpa passed away last month. My parents are still married, they have been for 30 something years. In fact, come to think of it, I don't know anybody who has been divorced.

So take heart, for us, at least, neither was scared, we both wanted to jump right in there and get the marriage happening and working.
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K.C.



Joined: 25 Jan 2003
Posts: 109
Location: Tucson, Arizona

PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2004 6:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I had hope to have that forever kind of marrage. I stuck with my first husband for 11 years, I loved him and really wanted to make it work. And I did stick with him until he met a 19 year old and off he went. It was the nicest thing he did for me in 11 years. But it still made me afraid to do it again. I totally loved my first husband, trusted him compleatly, and what does he do???? He faxes me for a dirvorce, and off he goes.....So I was scared to death when love kicked me in the guts again. I think that happens with most folks when they have been left as the road kill of love.
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Guest






PostPosted: Wed Dec 15, 2004 11:42 am    Post subject: From a fellow road kill survivor Reply with quote

KC,

What you have(your ability to love), he did not take with him. All he has is memories, you have the power to make those memories with anyone.
Save it for someone you think is worthy of that kind of love, don't be surprized if they are alot like you.... it worked for me.

K
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K.C.



Joined: 25 Jan 2003
Posts: 109
Location: Tucson, Arizona

PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2004 6:14 pm    Post subject: Re: From a fellow road kill survivor Reply with quote

Anonymous wrote:
KC,

What you have(your ability to love), he did not take with him. All he has is memories, you have the power to make those memories with anyone.
Save it for someone you think is worthy of that kind of love, don't be surprized if they are alot like you.... it worked for me.

K


No I still have my ability to love, he didn't take that. He took my trust, my faith in humans in general. But I have remarried, and after nearly seven years I still have trouble totally trusting my new spouse. Gee who do I have that to blame on? But it gets better with ever year. It just would have been nice to have gotten it right the first time.
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barbara



Joined: 07 Dec 2002
Posts: 181
Location: Kalamazoo, Michigan

PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2004 7:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know how you feel KC....been there also. Its hard to totally trust after something like that. It takes time, I guess.
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lg
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 17, 2004 4:58 pm    Post subject: fear Reply with quote

Who's more afraid of marriage? The last one injured by one, I think...could be an adult or child. In jury=debating.
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KatieSandstrom



Joined: 07 Dec 2002
Posts: 152
Location: North Pole, Alaska

PostPosted: Fri Dec 17, 2004 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I raise my hand to a child that is emotionally injured by divorce is more afraid of marriage in adult years. My personal experience makes me cast this vote.
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lg
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 8:11 am    Post subject: marriage Reply with quote

I was married for seven years to another person; I've now been married for 28 years. Countless times, I've wanted to walk away...but these times were always my version of Truth...ie, my pain. (One version of Truth always looks like a bicycle with one small wheel and one large one, loping along at such an awkward pace...) Each time, they eventually passed, though it took longer with some things, than others. All in all, its not a bad ball of string we're winding. Knots here and there, but hey....

Trust is only one part of a marriage. Children are one part. Communication is one part. Love is one part. Committment is one part. Appearances are one part. Spirituality is one part. Intellect is one part. Likenesses are one part. Differences are one part. Destiny is one part. Resources are one part. Anyone of these can break the circle, or strengthen it, depending upon the 'foundation' of the hub. (Me, myself, and I) If there's alot of 'a few' in a marriage, and not enough of 'the rest', we may choose to pour more energy into the rest. If there's most of the 'whole', and 'a few' missing, we can pour into the few. Common ground has a very large perameter, with a lot of space. What/when/how/where/why we decide to plant in those spaces is ours to call.

Trust seems to be the biggest issue with which we deal; in my life, I've found that each part of the whole has a division...its 'good and its 'bad'. If the sun is never going to shine on a part, then it is responsible to plant somewhere else. If we don't know, it is responsible for us to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt. If we know the sun has shown, and this is a cloudy season, it is responsible to hold on. Trust is one of those parts that has half of itself in what we have been taught, and half in what we do not know. There is nothing else in there but Faith. Consequently, Trust may be one of the greatest Mysteries of Life; we can unfold it, or not, for ourselves. We often talk about 'putting our hearts out there', when we speak of trust. The only other option is to NOT put our hearts out there. A choice, that's all. If we don't, we are holding to the part we have been taught; if we do, we are exploring the unknown. I don't think there is a right or wrong...simply a comfort zone. Fear is the 'taught trusts' greatest ally. Keeps you where Taught-Trust wants you...out of the darkness of the unknown, and in the warmth of the known, however crappy. That womb is certainly safe, but can be deadly, if there is no way to get out.

I believe more marriages are broken by trust and resources than any other things. These are not the whole, just the parts. When you've fallen down into a deep hole in one acre of a partnership, its hard to see the entire estate from down there. But I think we owe it to ourselves to climb up, even if by our fingernails, and look around. Maybe it IS the Fisher Kingdom, with ruin everywhere...but you have to look to know... And looking takes a whole new kind of trust into the unknown.
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Canadienne



Joined: 16 Dec 2004
Posts: 25

PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2004 7:40 pm    Post subject: Re: marriage Reply with quote

lg wrote:
Trust is only one part of a marriage. Children are one part. Communication is one part. Love is one part. Committment is one part. Appearances are one part. Spirituality is one part. Intellect is one part. Likenesses are one part. Differences are one part. Destiny is one part. Resources are one part. Anyone of these can break the circle, or strengthen it, depending upon the 'foundation' of the hub.


I think you actually hit the nail right on the head, Ig. All of these things are like spokes in a wheel. One breaks, the wheel falls apart....

No wonder so many marriages fall apart at some point. It's difficult to make every single one of those areas of your life work all the time.

C.
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lg
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 6:52 am    Post subject: working Reply with quote

C., that's exactly right...I'm not sure every single one CAN be working, all the time. On one hand, it would be boring, with nothing new to discover. On the other, it would be paradise...with nothing new to discover.

Seems to me, every relationship I've ever had...be it spouse, children, siblings, friends, etc....has been a work in progress. Sometimes, with those who just can't be painted in on my canvas, I've had to tear off the page, and start again. Other times, I end up with a relationship that was nothing like its origins. I think marriage is certainly like that...but, it can be better than imagined, as well as the reverse.

I once took an oil painting class; we had to paint the typical snow scene with the barn and rugged fence. Mine looked pretty good, but something about it didn't work for me. So, I added a color here, a color there, squished it all together, and the teacher returned, horrified. She had complimented me on my original work, then asked what in the world had happened, and what was this I'd painted? I studied the orange/red/yellow/white circular mass in front of me and answered 'Jupiter'. I think marriage..hell, I think ALL relationships are like that.

When we first begin, its like we have on a pair of great new shoes, that compliment everything about us. But noone can stay brand new, and eventually we begin to look like a worn shoe. People sometimes go shopping, at this stage, without realizing the new shoe will get scuffed, too. I think the expectations of this are that the new shoe will stay shiny, as the wearer will die before the shoes reach the worn down stage. That's pretty sad to me. It looks to the outside world just like an old person wearing a mini skirt, or any fashion they should have let go of, a long time ago. Its the old fairy tale of the king with no clothes...but noone will tell them. So, the 'appearances' part of the relationship seem to be the foremost need. Men or women...doesn't matter...still looks like that bicycle I talked about before...loping along, pretending to be normal.

Ah, life.
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