TimAllen.com
 FAQ   Search   Memberlist   Usergroups   Register   Profile   Log in to check your private messages   Log in 

Have a joke for Tim?
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    TimAllen.com Forum Index -> The Comic Within
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Robert(from London)



Joined: 09 Sep 2009
Posts: 28
Location: London, England.

PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 8:51 am    Post subject: jokes Reply with quote

I can't think of a joke at the moment so I am going to sit in a dark room until something develops.
(I have to credit this to Nick Faldo)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Bermudagirl



Joined: 10 Mar 2005
Posts: 1532
Location: Austria

PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 1:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Did you see the new "Divorce Barbie"?

It comes with all of Kenīs stuff.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Bermudagirl



Joined: 10 Mar 2005
Posts: 1532
Location: Austria

PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 12:29 pm    Post subject: An old arab man lives in Chicago for over 40 years. Reply with quote

An old arab man lives in Chicago for over 40 years. He would like to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. Thatīs why he writes an Email to his sun, who studies in Paris. "Dear Ahmed, I am very sad, because I cannot plant potatoes in my garden. If you would be here I am sure you would help digging up the garden. Your father". Instantly he receives an Email back: "Dear Father, please donīt touch anything in the garden. I have hidden "The Thing" there. Your Sun Ahmed. Not even 6 hours later the US Army, the Marines, the FBI and the CIA surround the old manīs house. They dig up the garden peace by peace, search every Millimeter, but donīt find anything. They walk away disappointed. At the same day the old man receives another Email from his sun: "Dear Father, I suppose the garden is now dug up completely and you can now plant your potatoes. I couldīt do more for you. Love Ahmed.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Hasepup1980



Joined: 22 Sep 2007
Posts: 3375
Location: GERMAN PAMPA!!!

PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 10:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Laughing
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Hasepup1980



Joined: 22 Sep 2007
Posts: 3375
Location: GERMAN PAMPA!!!

PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 10:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

(\/)_______
(oo) O o o o \~~
(__)\_o_O__/ *pooooooooops*
....|||.......lll........
This cow just farted on Tims site, that bitch!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Hasepup1980



Joined: 22 Sep 2007
Posts: 3375
Location: GERMAN PAMPA!!!

PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 10:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You're bored?

..:::..

You wanna party??

..:::..

Like the crazy person that you are???

..:::..

Send a textmessage saying "fire" to
911
...
........

and within 5 minutes you'll have 20 party people in front of your house, wearing funny hats and costumes, bringing sirens, foam guns and bright colored lights on their party truck.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Hasepup1980



Joined: 22 Sep 2007
Posts: 3375
Location: GERMAN PAMPA!!!

PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 10:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A young couple is sitting at a bar when she asks him "Honey I know a great new cocktail. Wanna try?"
He agrees to try and she orders a glass of Baileys and lemon juice.
"This is a bit complicated. You have to take a gulp of Baileys but don't swallow. And then you add the lemon juice and mix it in your mouth."
He does exactly what she told him to.

+0,3 seconds: A nice warm feeling in his mouth.

+0,6 seconds: The lemon juice makes the cream in the Baileys clod.

+0,9 seconds: His face turns the color of the lemons. He swallows.

+1,2 seconds: His stomach is in knots. He feels the urge to throw up.

+3,0 seconds: She whispers in his ear: "The drink's called Blowjobs Revenge. Did you like it?""
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Hasepup1980



Joined: 22 Sep 2007
Posts: 3375
Location: GERMAN PAMPA!!!

PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 10:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Body statistics:

-food needs about 7 seconds to get from mouth to stomach
-a single human hair can hold 3 kilogramm weights
-human pelvic bones are stronger than concrete
-a mans penis is approximately three times longer than the mans thumb
-a female heart beats faster than a males heart
-women blink twice as often as men
-on your feet you have about a billion bacteria
-a humans skin weighs twice as much as his/her brain
-the human body needs 300 muscles just to stay upright (only to stand still!!!)


->women who read this are now completely baffled...

->men who read this are still staring at the length of their thumbs.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Hasepup1980



Joined: 22 Sep 2007
Posts: 3375
Location: GERMAN PAMPA!!!

PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The differences between 'courageous', 'cool' and 'totally cool'

Courageous:
Coming home late at night. Your wife's waiting with a broom in her hand.
You ask:
"Still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

Cool:
Coming home in the middle of the night. Drunk. Your wife's in bed but you know she isn't asleep. You pick a chair, place it in front of her and take a seat. And when she finally asks what you're doing you say:
"I juss wanna front row seat for the fight o' the year!"

Totally cool:
Coming home at dead of night, smelling of alcohol and cheap perfume. A hickey on your neck. You slap your wifes a*s*s and say:
"And you're next!"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    TimAllen.com Forum Index -> The Comic Within All times are GMT - 8 Hours
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Page 5 of 5

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group

Theme xand created by spleen.