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Do we wait until they are 18 ?
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KatieSandstrom



Joined: 07 Dec 2002
Posts: 152
Location: North Pole, Alaska

PostPosted: Mon Jan 10, 2005 4:47 pm    Post subject: Do we wait until they are 18 ? Reply with quote

I'll start this off by saying I'm not judging and I mean no disrespect with this topic.

The ultimate sacrifice...
Should divorced or seperated parents wait until their child is 18 to get involved in a new relationship as a boyfriend/girlfriend or re-marry?

This has been on my mind for awhile. I've been hearing more and more that many women are waiting until their children are grown before they jump back into new relationships and dating.
I've lived BOTH sides of the coin coming from divorced parents and a failed marriage. Should we put the feelings of our child first above our own when it comes to this topic?
I think back to my fathers multiple girlfriends and my mothers quick marriage to my stepdad. As a child under their rule I had no say in the matter. I quietly tolerated what they did.
As an adult I almost went down the same road, but stopped myself 3 years ago realizing I was repeating the same pattern.
This is a touchy topic that keeps coming up in my daily life.
I'm curious to know how y'all feel about waiting as well.
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Writer16



Joined: 10 Nov 2004
Posts: 91
Location: CA

PostPosted: Mon Jan 10, 2005 6:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think it would depend on the kid, and why the parents seperated...
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Iron Maiden



Joined: 13 Jul 2003
Posts: 111
Location: England

PostPosted: Tue Jan 11, 2005 6:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

tbh...i think its better to get them used to u dating when theyre younger...that way they can grow to live with it
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KatieSandstrom



Joined: 07 Dec 2002
Posts: 152
Location: North Pole, Alaska

PostPosted: Tue Jan 11, 2005 9:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm, well it could be any situation, from an abusive parent to a cheating parent. When the ink on the divorse paperwork is dry and calmer waters set in, should the parent/parents wait until the children are 18?
My sister and I have been talking about it, and she never got use to it over the past 10 years. I never got use to it, I quietly tolerated it.

Are we repeating a pattern in our society that we hand down to our children to repeat?
(By 'we' I mean in general as a society)

Do men and women differ with this topic?

Also, I need to rephrase the 'ultimate scarifice' to 'one of the many sacrifices.' The ultimate is, of course, giving your life to save your child.
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Rachael
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 11, 2005 10:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It depends. If you wait, you could be depriving the child of a great relationship with a parent's boyfriend/girlfriend. I met my stepdad when I was 11 which was 10 years ago this year. If you saw my stepdad and I together, you wouldn't know that we weren't blood-related. I would hate to think of not having him in my life.

Laughing Rachael
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K.C.



Joined: 25 Jan 2003
Posts: 109
Location: Tucson, Arizona

PostPosted: Tue Jan 11, 2005 10:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think it would depend on the relationship of the child's perants. For example I grew up with a friend who's folks' relationship failed almost from day one, but they stayed married until both her and her sister finished high school....They were they only kids I knew that started BEGGING their folks to divorce in second grade! Too bad they didn't do as their kids asked...Both kids are in their forties and niether can tolerate being in the same room with their father. (Can't blame them niether can I.)
From my own observations, kids do better when they are in a home where everyone is happy, that includes the perents.
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joalis



Joined: 01 Dec 2004
Posts: 1155

PostPosted: Wed Jan 12, 2005 5:30 pm    Post subject: You probably don't have to wait Reply with quote

Just don't let the step parent take on parenting and rule-making if the kid is older. Having a step parent suddenly start implementing rules that both biological parents never had is NOT fair to the kid.
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lg
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 6:18 am    Post subject: dating/marriage/interaction Reply with quote

Hi, KP...You know how I feel about 'opinions', but this one is important to me personally, as I've walked that road.

Young or 18/dating or planning marriage: I feel the questions you asked are actually a bigger question...I personally believe (that) if you respect your children, you include them in on these processes from the beginning, rather than introduce them when they can say nothing. In other words, if you're ready to begin dating, you talk to your children about it, placing it age appropriate (as well as their responses). If we include our children in our lives, it doesn't matter whether or not they're 8 or 18, they will understand they can be threatened by nothing, when it comes to your relationship with anyone else.

Children grasp reasons better than we believe. If you've thought about your reasons, you can deliver them one at a time, and hear their responses. Again, the kids will often amaze you with their probing questions, so do your homework. Still, they should be included in your life from the start...when you even begin to think about dating, much less marry. If they know you are being fair with them, they will be fair with you.

As well, if one is deciding to remarry, why doesn't your 'significant other' already know the routine and how you handle things? It should be a relatively smooth transition. If you have to read the rules at the rehearsal dinner, you might reconsider your preparedness. Parenting, alone or together, is a joint effort, and if your intended doesn't understand that, you need to explain the package deal to him/her. Love, L.
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Hotrod



Joined: 22 Dec 2002
Posts: 74

PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 7:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't know at all if they should get in a new relationship while the children are still living at home. When it happens to me, I wouldn't want my mom to get a new boyfriend. If he's not gonna leave, I am.

So not only the 18-barrier for me, but the house-barrier for me.
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lg
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 5:45 pm    Post subject: boyfriends/girlfriends Reply with quote

Hotrod, as a woman, that feels like you are telling your Mother its 'him or me'. I don't find that at all fair. Though I respect your opinion, I believe no one should tell another who/what/when/where they can care. Love is a complex, yet still simple, sort of thing. Do you want your Mother to be soul-starved, because she has you? I don't get it. We cannot find in our children what we can find in someone we feel is our equal. It just doesn't work that way. Thank God, or the children of the world would have to operate the world, before they are ready.




L.
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barbara



Joined: 07 Dec 2002
Posts: 181
Location: Kalamazoo, Michigan

PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 8:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mothers are people too! They all need LOVE!
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Writer16



Joined: 10 Nov 2004
Posts: 91
Location: CA

PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 9:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't think it would really matter, so long as the boyfriend or girlfriend (depending who you're living with...) will respect the fact that she has a kid.

Ex: My friend's father died when she was young, and her mom went through a string of boyfriends, druggies, acholics, etc. And they were all mean to her. (Mother and daughter.) They'd leave her alone, cuss her out, and generally make her feel unloved and unwanted, and she is still mad at her mom for doing that.

Now, however, her mom is getting married to a nice guy, and both Mom and Ash are really happy people. So I think it depends mostly on who you're going out with, not what age...
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Rachael
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 7:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Writer16 wrote:
I don't think it would really matter, so long as the boyfriend or girlfriend (depending who you're living with...) will respect the fact that she has a kid.

Ex: My friend's father died when she was young, and her mom went through a string of boyfriends, druggies, acholics, etc. And they were all mean to her. (Mother and daughter.) They'd leave her alone, cuss her out, and generally make her feel unloved and unwanted, and she is still mad at her mom for doing that.

Now, however, her mom is getting married to a nice guy, and both Mom and Ash are really happy people. So I think it depends mostly on who you're going out with, not what age...


I agree. Before my stepdad now, I had a stepdad who I think hated me and I think he was abusive to my Mom. My Mom has told me that she had been abused before, but she won't tell me who. I am 99.9% positive that it was my previous stepdad. Now, I have a stepdad who is wonderful. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I feel loved, safe, and accepted with my stepdad now.

Laughing Rachael
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KatieSandstrom



Joined: 07 Dec 2002
Posts: 152
Location: North Pole, Alaska

PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 10:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

For me, I'll wait and discuss it with my child as she grows. My lil one says she just wants mom and dad. I'll respect that. My sis says she can handle it now, but it would be weird.
My daughter has been talking about it with me as she sees what the other kids are going through at school with step parents and parents having boyfriend/girlfriends. It confuses her.

From what I've read here, it looks like one of the answers is communication is the key.

My parents failed in that arena. The minute the divorce was final, they were dating and my mom was remarried within the year. Yikes! It took a long time for me to respect and care for my step dad. It didn't help that he is only 9 years older than me. He felt more like my brother than my step dad. Now he is my family, I love and respect him.
Let's not even go to my ex-step mom...the same age as my brother, I love her because she's the mother of my sister, but hate her for neglecting my sister.
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lg
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2005 2:28 pm    Post subject: mystery Reply with quote

KP, again I will say that a child needs to be included in what the parent is doing. The 'dating pool' is as big as the gene pool, so I think children need to understand a lot of crap will float through on the way to the ocean. They need to understand that every date is not 'the One' and that is important. Like clothing, dating is a 'trying on'....some fit, some don't, So the child needn't worry. As long as you have explained and prepared the child...

I don't think you really needed to ask us, as your answer is in the first part of your reply. I still say, INCLUDE THE CHILD. It's his/her life, too. L.
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